Answering Tough Questions from Kids: A Father's Field Guide
Your kids will throw some zingers at you. You won’t be ready. (Fatherhood Fridays #13)
Questions from kids are like poison tipped arrows flying through the jungle in an “Indy” knockoff. One moment, everything is quiet and normal. Then a dart lodges in a tree nearby. Suddenly, a barrage of tiny dangers fills the air.
You don’t know where they’re coming from, but they surround you. It’s impossible to count them or know when they’ll end.
To me, these are the opportunities we should eagerly wait for, because they’re the times when our kids are most open to direction and wisdom. They’re already thinking about something in the world and wondering. And they’re trusting you for answers!
Well dad, what will you do? Run for cover, or face it head on? Deflect or counter?
Because you won’t be ready for the onslaught, it’s challenging to lay down rules of engagement. But here are some options.
Stand and Engage
Mount a defense
Counter/Parry
Tactical Retreat
Dodge and Redirect
Call in Support
Surrender
Sabotage
Let me explain what I mean by each:
Stand & Engage: Give a simple answer, take the follow-up questions. Even if the follow-up is “Why?” for fifteen rounds.
Mount a defense: You treat this like a conversation with an adult and argue your position. You give them all the facts and sources to back you up, at least as well as you can off the top of your head. Hopefully you put it in terms the kids can understand and don’t dunk on them. Hopefully you sound reasonable and not defensive.
Counter/Parry: Ask questions or seek more input. “Why do you ask?” is an easy one to start with. “What do you think?” or “What do you mean?” are also helpful. In some cases, you’ll need “Who told you that?!”
Tactical Retreat: You shut down the conversation through deferral. The classic example being, “I’ll tell you when you’re older.” Although, for the kid’s emotional satisfaction, I appreciate Corrie Ten Boom’s story about her father’s answer to a tough question. He compared it to a heavy suitcase and said, “Some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger, you can bear it. For now, you must trust me to carry it for you.” I also sometimes try to give a simple answer they can understand, while telling them I’ll share more as they grow.
Dodge and Redirect: Change the topic, offer answers or questions that go nowhere, distract with something in the environment. “How’d you like some ice cream, kiddo?” Eventually they’ll catch on if you go for this often.
Call in Support: “Let me double check that and I’ll get back to you.” If you can say it in the office, you can say it at home. It helps build trust because you’re showing your kids you want to give them accurate, truthful answers.
Surrender: Be man enough to utter those dreaded words, “I D-O-N-‘T K-N-O-W.” Use the opportunity to encourage their love of learning with, “Let’s find out together.”
Sabotage: Lie, mislead, or put down. You’re making more work for yourself. Lying or misleading will confuse the kids and will likely require cleanup in the future. “That’s a stupid question,” or similar comments will discourage future engagements. Go ahead. See if you like the outcome when they’re fifteen. “Because I said so,” might also fall in this category.
You might notice that these are the same basic methods you can deal with questions from anyone: your spouse, boss, friends or coworkers. That’s because kids are just people. They’re thinking their own thoughts all the time—and despite what it seems like, you don’t hear all or most of them. The reason their questions can be so jarring is because they haven’t finished learning how to use conversational flow or how to formulate questions well. They just ask what they’re thinking. It’s kind of like those uncomfortable moments at a party when a drunk person decides you’re their buddy for the night.
Which option you choose will depend on a few things:
The nature of their question
What values and skills you are trying to pass on
How much time you have in the moment
Their age and reasoning ability
Whether you know enough about their question and the answer they seek
Early in our relationship my wife’s niece asked my wife if I was allergic to animals. That wasn’t the question she was really asking. She wanted to know if I would like to meet her guinea pigs, but it took a roundabout conversation to get there. This is how it is with kids, but adults often do the same thing.
Treasure these moments, and the questions (some of them will become fond memories). Use them to instill the truths and virtues you want to pass on when they’re most receptive. These are the opportunities to explore wisdom, virtue, and faith with your children. And if you’re a person of faith, you can use it to help you obey the instructions for passing down faith in Deuteronomy 6:6-7.
The more you practice with your kids, the more competent you become at answering adults effectively, too.
I hope the concepts above are helpful as a guide. The only other thing you need is time, preferably time without all the distractions of modern life. In the quiet moments together is when the kids feel free to fill the silence with their questions. Foster those moments and you’re on your way.
What are the funniest or hardest questions your kids have asked you? Share them in the comments, and maybe the answer you gave, to help out other guys.
Updates:
A common question in our house a few years ago was, “Why don’t we have Disney+ like my friend?” That was a hard answer to put in kid terms. But part of that conversation revealed our need for children’s entertainment that upheld and honored traditional virtues.
My upcoming book, Dog Knights and the Orb of Power is part of my answer to that problem. Kids think it’s funny, and they actually enjoy the theme of courage laced through the story.
It’s perfect for kids who are just starting to read on their own (Ages 7-10), or who still enjoy being read to (Ages 5-??). I released a preview of the book with some activity pages which you can download here.
If you’re curious about a series that promotes virtues for kids through fun, adventurous stories, then check out the campaign with the button below. We’re launching February 28th.
In addition to Imago Dad, Brandon Wilborn writes speculative fiction with spiritual themes. Find his previously released books at BrandonWilborn.com
The hardest question I got from my children until now was: "Father, who was the first human?"