Kids Can Do Wrong All by Themselves
Nobody has to teach them (Fatherhood Fridays #12)
My daughter first lied at 18 months old. She didn’t speak yet, but she used a little sign language and head nods to communicate.
I asked her if she had put something away, like I had asked. She had not. But she nodded her head, yes. When I started to point out that the item was still out, she tried to show me something else to distract me. She didn’t want that toy put away yet.
When I realized she was being deceptive, my jaw dropped. I stood in the hall with my mouth hanging open because I could barely believe this toddler had the capacity to lie before she could speak.
If you believe that people are generally good, these moments are hard to explain. And they might lead you to think poorly of your children.
With a Biblical worldview, I expected it—just not so soon. My faith informs me that everyone is sinful. Even the person with the sweetest disposition is tempted to get what they want in wrong ways, or to twist the truth to get their way. And all of us give in to the temptation—often. It goes deeper, but I’ll leave it there.
Toddlers are still beings of almost pure desire. They want, but don’t have ways to express themselves get it. They haven’t learned the guardrails of wanting and getting, or the rules of dealing with other people.
In this natural state, the logical solution to not having what you want is to take it. If someone frustrates that desire, the solution is to go around them, either by force or manipulation. This is why preschoolers smack a kid in the sandbox and steal his toys.
The scary part for dads is that the idea to deceive or manipulate needs no outside introduction. Every kid will try it.
If you don’t catch it early, it gets scary. Tantrums originate from this struggle of wills. Without intervention they lead to spoiled children and fathers who yield to every whim. Think Violet Beauregarde and her father in “Willy Wonka”, or my personal favorite, Marissa Tomei and Sylvester Stallone in “Oscar”.
The older they get, the bigger your problem. Exhibit one: the screeching election loss videos.
Giving in to your child’s manipulation is bad parenting. You’re not making it easier on yourself. You’re creating a future monster the rest of us must deal with. This does no favors for anyone.
A kid’s default setting is to push boundaries and explore. That’s how they learn, but it means they’re going to make mistakes. The spiritual default setting is to be selfish little tyrants. That means they’re going to do bad things on purpose. They don’t need help to do wrong.
Your job as a parent is simple but hard:
Teach morals and rules
Catch when kids break them
Avoid attempted manipulations
Enforce the rules and morals consistently with love and firmness
That means punishments or consequences that are appropriate and properly measured. Sometimes spanking is appropriate. Be cautious about overdoing punishment when you’re upset. Be gracious about genuine mistakes.
Repeat the morals and rules often
The biggest hurdles are being consistent and making good adjustments as your kids grow. At each stage, they will push new boundaries and get better at trying to avoid trouble. You must be flexible enough to recognize when your previous parenting strategies aren’t working—then figure out what will, while sticking with your morals and core principles.
This is how you teach them what is good and right. This is how you raise kids you enjoy being around. Your diligent efforts set them up with a lifelong moral compass and help restore sanity to society.
I’m rooting for you.
Updates:
I just got the Kickstarter video back for, Dog Knights and the Orb of Power. I’m excited to share the final campaign preview and some other news about it next week.
It’s perfect for kids who are just starting to read on their own (Ages 7-10), or who still enjoy being read to (Ages 5-??). I released a preview with some activity pages. If you’re interested, you can download it here.
If you’re curious about a series that promotes virtues for kids through fun, adventurous stories, then please sign up to be notified when the campaign is live. We’re aiming for the campaign launch in February.
In addition to Imago Dad, Brandon Wilborn writes speculative fiction with spiritual themes. Find Brandon’s previously released books at BrandonWilborn.com