Going Gray: Gandalf’s Wisdom for Dads
The gray wizard's lessons for training yourself and your kids in wisdom and using it in the world.
“I hate this world! I wish Jesus would come back already!”
My daughter’s exasperated cry from the back of the van caught me by surprise. Part of me was tempted to paraphrase Gandalf’s comforting words to Frodo:
“So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us. There are other forces at work in this world, Frodo, besides the will of evil.”
She wouldn’t have gotten the reference. Even if she had, she wouldn’t have found it helpful or funny. I bit my tongue.
She’d had a rough day, but not a world-changing day. It wasn’t enough to merit a firehose of wisdom such as this. She needed a hug, and probably a snack, as hobbits do.
It’s no surprise that I was ready to channel Gandalf into her frustration. I’ve been thinking about him a lot during this series. It’s intimidating to tackle the gray wizard from a dad’s perspective, so I’ll go back to the beginning.
In the first article of this series, I contrasted Gandalf and Aragorn as the fatherly examples over the internal and external world for the hobbits under their care.
Aragorn takes them on adventures and teaches them skills. Gandalf provides insight, perspective, and wise counsel to help them interpret what’s happening and navigate their maturing in a dangerous world. Yes, he acts like the fun uncle with his fireworks, but he’s more often the reticent advisor—and that’s harder.
Which do you find easier?
Making your kids laugh OR Helping them think about solutions to a problem
Taking them camping OR Guiding them through a big decision
Teaching kids to swap a tire OR Providing a moral perspective on hard topics
Play fighting to show them how to defend themselves OR Walking with them after a relationship crisis
Protecting them from physical threats OR Guarding them from spiritual and mental enemies
Leaving them to go to work OR Spending time apart to study and prepare yourself for their next stage of growth
I’ve always been more studious than physical, but I still find the ones on the left easier in every way. Easier to prepare for, easier to achieve most times, and easier to feel like they’ve got the lesson and can use it in their life. Objects are solid. Skills are black and white; you have them, or you don’t. Relationships, morality, ethics, meaning…those are messy things that adults struggle with. How much more will kids?
That’s the difference between Aragorn and Gandalf, the Warrior and the Wizard.
Fortunately, it’s something you can grow into, especially as you mature. The more that you do, the better your chances of raising kids who are both capable and wise (a blessing, according to Proverbs 10:1). If you aren’t growing in wisdom, your kids will likely grow up to model your own folly.
Let’s dig into the lessons from the gray wanderer that could make you a dad that’s ready to spout wisdom as much as corny jokes.
Gandalf’s Advantage in Age and Mystery
I mentioned here that “you’re ancient in their eyes, and like the wizard, your origins are shrouded in mystery.”
Tolkien never reveals much of Gandalf’s history, at least not in The Hobbit or The Lord of the Rings. But we do know he is centuries old. This is how your kids see you, especially when they’re young. A couple of years ago, my son asked my wife if she was alive in the 1800s. Their concept of time is completely out of whack. Laugh off their innocent guesses at your ancient origins and use that opportunity. Age means experience—that is an advantage that you can use for their benefit.
You know where their knowledge gaps are, because you (should) know what they’ve experienced and learned. When they’re very young, they’re a blank book, and you have the chance to lay the foundations for their entire worldview. Use that power for good, and you’ll help change our culture.
Don’t wait until they’re school aged to talk about important things. Share the truths of your faith, the history of our country, the core values of right and wrong. The trick is telling it at their level.
In the book version of the quote above, Gandalf is tuning his message for a frightened young hobbit in his living room. While he could tell Frodo a complete history of the rise and fall of Sauron, the creation of the Ring, and the wars fought because of it, he shares only what is most important to Frodo’s current need. He tailors the message so that the hobbit can hear it. Do the same with your kids.
If you instill these things at an early age, and stay consistent with them, your hobbits will grow up seeing your consistency. You’ll avoid the teenage accusation of hypocrisy by proving that these things are important to you by doing them.
While you’re at it, don’t hide your past—especially if you have a story of dramatic change because you made big mistakes, or because you found faith.
Don’t fall into the “curse of the expert,” which assumes that people know about as much as you do. Try to remember all the questions you had as a kid.
This is your personal opportunity to build the future.
Fatherly Premonitions and The Magic of Experience
The other advantage of your age and experience is that you can “see their future” and sometimes, “read their minds.”
Just as the hobbits rarely surprise Gandalf, as a parent, you can often see what’s about to happen. The toddler’s curiosity with the fan luring them to stick their finger in it. A school-aged boy picking up a bug and sneaking toward a gaggle of girls. It’s easy to see the outcome from the setup. To kids, it’s like you’re a precog from Minority Report.
They also telegraph every emotion, but they don’t know that. You tell your middle schooler something they don’t want to hear, and their face reveals their thoughts—about you, and potentially about whether they’re going to attempt sneaking around you.
At first, they’re blown away by your prescience. “How did dad know the marker was going to bleed through tissue paper? How did he know I was going to sneak a cookie after he said, ‘No’?”
If you flaunt it when they’re older, you’ll start to see resentment. Nobody likes to hear, “I told you so,” even if it’s deserved. But if you harness it and use it with discernment and grace, it builds trust and honesty.
Age gives you the experience to teach them early on, then to offer guidance as they make their own decisions—especially in the messy world of morals and the mysteries of relationships.
Gandalf used his experience wisely to guide Frodo—but once the hobbit knew the situation and was away on his adventure, the wizard stopped teaching. He let the halflings make their own choices and aided them in whatever ways he could.
When They Hit Your Limits
You may start off with your kids thinking you’re the smartest person in the world. But in a few years, you’ll end up like Gandalf, admitting that “even the very wise do not see all ends.”
Your hobbits quickly run up against gaps in your education or knowledge. They’ll develop interests that you can’t guide them in or fall into situations that are beyond your experience. For Gandalf, Bilbo’s discovery of the Ring is an unexpected challenge, an unforeseen and uncertain threat. His gut tells him this is no ordinary magic ring. But he doesn’t offer uninformed advice.
Gandalf spends years searching for answers to the riddle of the Ring. He travels across kingdoms to search ancient manuscripts for clues. He engages his allies and informants to listen for news. With Aragorn’s help, he hunts down the creature Gollum for interrogation. He fights for the truth.
This is besides the other wizardly work of his regular occupation. (Something like an international ambassador?) Add in his time for rest and fellowship at parties in the Shire.
Even though he’s aware of the growing threat in the east, Gandalf cannot devote his attention to discovering the Ring’s origins. He finds it through personal toil and study while others see only the day-to-day.
The search for understanding fits in the cracks around the necessities of life. Just like him, you can’t abandon your daily responsibilities to seek out esoteric truth. Also, everyday mundanity can’t blind you to the need for greater wisdom.
When your own kids push into your unknowns, you’ve got a few options.
Educate yourself about trouble spots before they show up and have a plan to deal with it. (Noble, but recognize you can’t be fully ready for everything, and this will make you worry about more than you need to.)
Let them struggle on their own and hope they figure it out. (Cold, Dad. But sometimes the right call.)
Step alongside them, offering general support while you learn more and look for solutions with your family.
Find others with knowledge or experience in the issue and get help.
Option 1 is unreasonable because you’re limited. You can only prep yourself for a few higher-likelihood, high-consequence issues, and trust God to sort through the rest.
Option 2 is harsh but may be useful to teach the occasional low-consequence lesson, like time management, priorities, or annoyances with friends.
Options 3 and 4 are what Gandalf did most often.
The right choice for each situation will require discernment and usually a talk with your wife.
Developing Wisdom
You develop that discernment by searching for wisdom regularly. If you’re reading this, you probably recognize that need. But wisdom isn’t something you can binge on and cram for. It requires input over long periods, plenty of thought, and the occasional stress test.
Esoteric wisdom makes you sound smart. Kids and teens need practical wisdom that helps them through their struggles, that shows them how to face evil, that teaches them how to live.
There are plenty of places to go. But the source for the most time-tested wisdom in small doses is the Bible. Specifically, the wisdom books of Psalms, Proverbs, and Ecclesiastes. Those contain nuggets of wisdom that carry more weight than their brevity suggests.
A short reading can give you (or your kids) plenty to think about for the day—or a week. These books have practical soundbites on:
Family
Friends
Marriage
Parenting
Work
Wealth
Health
Meaning
God’s Perspective
Crime
Evil
Emotional Issues
Self-control
Leadership
Politics
War & Peace
Spiritual Growth
I could go on. In short, you could package and rebrand these books as “A Manual on Reality.”
If you want to grow in wisdom along with your kids, this would be an easy way to start a family Bible study time and provoke some life-changing conversations. A study Bible or commentary could help you go deeper if necessary.
I’d also highly recommend spending your own time reading brilliant thinkers of the past and developing your own wisdom apart from your kids. In my life, that includes the Bible, but not everyone is ready for that. That time also includes periods of thought, wrestling with those ideas to incorporate them. Walks are wonderful wisdom builders if you use them to think on these hard topics. Driving alone works as well. Sometimes, it’s just sitting by the fire as Gandalf did, smoking his pipe and pondering “riddles in the dark” while talking to himself. As a Christian, I’m used to talking to myself. Although, inwardly, I’m talking to God and inviting Him to chime in. You might have heard it called prayer.
Each of these methods requires time and silence—not things our current world wants to give us. Fight for that time to study and think. You will gain wisdom there. Write some of it down. Then pass that on to others, including your kids.
The more wisdom they get, the easier it is to apply it in every circumstance.
Defense Against the Dark Arts
Magic is only a small part of Gandalf’s wizardry. The enemies seem much more concerned with harnessing magic for power and dominance. Even the elves appear to treat enchantment as something only accessed at great need.
Part of Gandalf’s wisdom, then, is understanding the dangers of the dark things in the world and protecting the hobbits as best he can.
Gandalf recognizes a larger scheme. About Bilbo’s finding the ring, he says, “there was something else at work, beyond any design of the Ring-maker… I can put it no plainer than by saying that Bilbo was meant to find the Ring, and not by its maker. In which case you also were meant to have it.”
Because he sees this providence, Gandalf recognizes he cannot simply take the ring and so protect Frodo. But he also acknowledges its incredible temptation to himself when Frodo offers it. So, it stays with Frodo, despite the danger to a defenseless halfling. His innocence and ignorance is part of what fortifies him to it, after all.
“Of course, my dear Frodo, it was dangerous for you; and that has troubled me deeply. But there was so much at stake that I had to take some risk—though even when I was far away there has never been a day when the Shire has not been guarded by watchful eyes.”
Likewise, when Pippin snatches up the Palantír of Saruman, Gandalf realizes the great danger to him. He gruffly snatches it away and hides it in his cloak to protect the Took. But damage has already been done—both by the Palantír through its connection to the dark lord, and by Gandalf’s making it a forbidden fruit through his reaction. We see that clearly in The Two Towers as Pippin talks to Merry.
“That—glass ball, now. He seemed mighty pleased with it. He knows or guesses something about it. But does he tell us what? No, not a word. Yet I picked it up, and I saved it from rolling into a pool. Here, I’ll take that, my lad—that’s all. I wonder what it is? It felt so very heavy.”
Later, in the night, Pippin struggles with the temptation to look into it again, eventually losing the fight.
Every kid has that reaction to something forbidden by their parents. Not everything forbidden will tempt them, but some thing entices every kid.
Be judicious in your use of keeping things completely off limits. Expose them to plenty of good, and even to some risky things with your help and insight. Help them navigate those dark and dangerous topics with age-appropriate conversations.
Consider offering a time when they might be initiated into handling that threat, where appropriate. Of course, some things are straight up harmful or wrong (like porn) and you should never budge. But others can be handled with enough maturity (like video games or monitored access to the internet).
Sometimes a full ban is necessary. Stand against the Balrog of our cultural rot, stop it from entering your home, and order the children to flee. But if they don’t understand the danger, or they’re pushing back against your protection, give them a good reason for the ban. They lack the discernment to know you’re doing this for their good, and not to wreck their fun.
Keeping the Magic
Gandalf’s magic isn’t usually flashy, except for his fireworks. The power he wields is cloaked, in a way, and he more often resorts to using wisdom and cunning to face his trials.
Though he feels the weight of war and destruction, it does not harden him. He takes time for Bilbo’s birthday celebration. He stays with Frodo for a long time before the new Ringbearer must depart. There is time for pleasure, fellowship, and laughter in Gandalf’s grave and weighty endeavors. He shares only what’s necessary to propel the Hobbits on their quest. What he shares frightens them, but he does not terrify them into a stupor. He always offers some hope—even a fool’s hope.
This requires a gentle and light touch, but it’s what makes the relationship with your hobbits sing.
Laugh with them, despite trouble. Find ways to delight them, regardless of circumstances.
I don’t mean you should minimize or demean pain they’re experiencing by making light of it. But help them learn to see purpose or find the lessons from their troubles. Guide them to grow from the crisis. Help them move beyond it. And give them hope in every circumstance.
Find reasons to be grateful and glad. Create moments of laughter, mirth, and magic. Bring light to the darkness. Enjoy their company.
Rediscover your own love for fun and share it with them. They need both sides of Gandalf: the stern sage, and the playful grandfather.
That’s what I did for my daughter when she lamented about the world. I gave her a snack and helped her gain some perspective on her troubles. Then we played together to cheer her up.
Fortunately, this time wasn’t too weighty. But practicing with little things is how we learn to take on big things. That’s as true for dads as it is for kids.
Thanks for sticking with me on this epic post.
What lessons do you see from Gandalf and the other men in LOTR? How have they inspired you to virtue or noble questing? Agree or disagree with me? Leave a polite comment and I’m happy to hear you out.
Articles in this Series:
In addition to Imago Dad, Brandon Wilborn writes fantasy with spiritual themes. His current project is a series for young readers about a dog with an imagination that highlights the classic virtues of our Judeo-Christian heritage. But he’s already got a couple of fantasy books and stories available at BrandonWilborn.com
I’m loving this series, Brandon. Great reflections!