Bumbling Dads and Old King Théoden

The risk of passivity and the hope of renewal.

The most common caricature of dads in the modern media is that they are passive. They’re also variably portrayed as harmless fools, emotionally erratic, or dangerously out of touch. But the common thread is passivity. They must be provoked to action.

When they are roused, they are often bumbling and incompetent. Especially when it comes to helping their kids.

I see a lot of parallels to the King of Rohan.

A Noble Past

In Tolkien’s lore, Théoden starts well. He had an example of positive strength from his father, Thengel, who was estranged from own father. Tolkien described Théoden’s grandfather as "greedy of food and gold, and at strife with his marshals, and with his children." Thengel left his troublesome dad, served in Gondor, found a wife, and raised a young son.

Sometimes we must break with our own fathers (at least in method) to raise our children well and provide the example we lacked. Though that comes with its own pains. It’s not the ideal situation.

With the example of his father, Théoden reigned for decades as a good King, until tragedy bested him.

His wife dies giving birth to his only son, Théodred. His beloved sister also dies young. In response, Théoden adopts his niece and nephew and reportedly does a decent job raising the three children. His son becomes a captain, keeping the Rohirrim safe alongside his beloved cousin/adoptive brother, Éomer.

Then tragedy struck again.

Beaten by Grief

Before we meet Théoden in The Two Towers, his son is slain in battle. Éomer takes the role of second-in-command and heir to the throne—and does so honorably, protecting Rohan from multiple enemies.

By this point, the king is enthralled by a new advisor, Grima. What he doesn't know is that Grima is a spy. A mole of the worst kind. Grima works for a supposed ally. His influence under the guise of friendship is doubly corrosive.

We don't know how it happens, but over time Grima becomes the only voice Théoden listens to. Perhaps it was his grief or maybe his age, but the king of Rohan accepts and succumbs to lies. He follows bad advice.

Everyone can see it except him, for the people call Grima, “Wormtongue.” Théoden shares the flaw of self-denial with Denethor.

Grima’s bad advice cools the king’s love for his family, eventually, turning him against his own kin. Under Grima’s influence, the king imprisons Éomer. (In the movies, he is exiled.) And with Grima’s manipulations and pleading, Théoden considers giving over his adopted niece, Éowyn, to a snake. (Implied in the book; more blatant in the movie.)

Whether through grief, age, deception, or a combination of all three, Théoden becomes passive. He gives up his man card.

As a father, he fails to protect his family. As a king, he fails to protect his people. The spy convinces him to become like Neville Chamberlain and appease the enemy. Grima argues that mutual defense with their ally, Gondor, will be a provocation. He encourages the king to stand aside, rather than meet the invading enemy with the full force and authority that is his right and duty.

Théoden’s passivity and weakness of mind lead to weakness of body. He looks and acts aged beyond his years. Sitting in his hall, cold and frail, he becomes as much of a joke as the TV fathers that flicker on our screens.

I'll admit, caricatures are a representation of something real. The proportions are out of whack to make a point. That’s what caricature does.

There are too many dads that are passive.

Too many who are weak and out of shape.

Too many who are emotionally unstable, out of touch, or unengaged.

And too many who lack competence and confidence in their roles as fathers.

Certainly not all, as you might assume if you only looked at the media. But too many. The caricature hits on this reality and exaggerates it.

I’m willing to give the early versions of this cartoon dad the benefit of the doubt, that they were trying to make a point. But as our culture has embraced radical ideas about men and women, the latter versions are intended to be a mockery, casting dads as buffoons, every family’s court jester.

The irony is that their mockery only highlights how undesirable that character is.

The Passivity Spiral

I’m not an old man, but I’m a recovering Theoden. I know from experience; passivity makes each of the problems above something of a self-fulfilling prophecy. I was a passive kid, preferring books and video games. That formed my habits as a young man. I didn’t fully see the problem until I became a dad. Passivity traps you in a loop.

I get it. You’re tired from work, and you’re busy. If you’re out of shape from inactivity—a form of passivity—you’re likely even more tired.

This condition leads to more of the same. Passivity, inactivity, low energy.

You can’t ignore the laws of physics and habits.

If you've decided to be passive with your children or wife in the past, you are already unengaged. The longer that has gone on, the more out of touch you likely are. Not because the music and the slang changed, but because you haven’t been involved to know what’s happening in their lives.

It's challenging to relate to your kids on a good day. If you’re not trying, it's easier to misunderstand or misconstrue things, get offended, and lose your cool. Parenting already creates situations you’ve never handled before. Higher emotions are natural in that environment because you don’t have the confidence of past success. But passivity takes away the possibility of past success. It puts you in a reactive mode where you become more emotionally unstable because you’re dealing with something new, and you don’t even have any history to help inform your response.

That feeds the cycle of distance between you and your kids, making you less likely to engage positively in the future. It further saps your confidence.

If situations at home are confusing and you don't know how to respond, you're not going to feel confident. If you haven't responded well in the past, you may feel incompetent and unconfident. Men who feel weak will be more tempted to stand down.

It's a subtle, downward spiral that encourages you to crack a beer and turn on the game while tuning out your family. Disengage now and you're more likely to disengage next time.

Lies Motivate Weakness

Lies throw the spiral into overdrive. (Exhibit A: Théoden)

And our culture has a grab-bag full for you to swallow. As a Christian, I think they’re directly from Hell.

They trusted me with this kid? What do I know about kids?

You’ll only make it worse. Just ignore it.

These kids always ______.

These kids never ______.

If only my wife would ______.

Nobody respects me around here.

All the other parents let their kids ________.

This is stupid. Why does this kid even care about ________?

I don’t have time for this.

I’m too tired.

I’m too old.

All whispered by your own personal Wormtongue. There’s a good chance the most common lies you hear pick at scars you received from your father.

Submitting to deceit makes all the problems worse.

Those above are the common ones. It’s only after you believe some of them that you’re willing to consider the truly evil examples our culture spits out—the lies that directly attack your children.

I’m not going to teach my kids about religion. I’ll let them make up their own minds.

You deserve to be happy.

You’re an oppressor or a victim based on your color.

Everything bad that happens to you is because of _________ people.

If it doesn’t hurt someone else, how can it be wrong?

If it’s legal, it’s moral.

You can be whatever you want to be. You can have your own truth.

Would you rather have a living son or a dead daughter?

Ignoring lies won’t make the problems go away. The enemy has already crossed your border.

Engagement is Not Domination

This doesn't mean that you become a control freak, like Denethor, and rule your family with an iron fist. That's the other extreme. I already covered that dad archetype in the article about Gondor’s steward.

Bad Steward, Bad Father

Engagement is not about control. It's about being proactive in building family relationships and helping to train your children into adulthood. Be there in good times and bad—a constant, trusted example. Set a course for your kids’ character and manage problems when things don't go your way. Roll with the punches, rather than being a drill sergeant. Earn respect, rather than demanding it.

When you do it right, you're in the fight with your kids as a leader, instead of being a couch commander.

Théoden Ednew ~ Théoden the Renewed

Each of these symptoms can only be countered by following Théoden’s example in LOTR.

When Gandalf and crew show up in his throne room, he won't hear the truth. His mind and his body have been poisoned by Wormtongue. He's a belligerent and ungracious host who rebukes the warnings of a friend and ally. (Aragorn had defended Rohan for Théoden’s father.) “His truth” is only what he has heard from Grima. It isn’t reality.

It takes the hard words of Gandalf, and a little bit of smacking around, to reach the thick-headed King. “Faithful are the wounds of a friend,” as the Proverbs say.

Once Théoden awakes, he returns to himself. He sees the truth of his situation and the deception of his closest advisor. The movie dramatically shows his strength and vigor returning. He expels Wormtongue and takes up his sword and authority again.

The king releases and restores Éomer and makes amends with his niece. After restoring what's left of his family, he takes on his other primary responsibility to defend his people. Together, they bravely defend Helm’s Deep against impossible odds before riding to the aid of Gondor where Théoden makes his final, noble stand against evil.

You probably won’t have to die to get back in the game with your family.

But, if you've been a Théoden, there is hope for change. It won't be as easy as the wizard made it. It will take effort and time, both to develop new habits, and for your family to recognize the change. They will need time to adapt to your renewal.

But it is possible.

Much can be done with the will God has given you. You can brute force your way through serious dramatic life changes. But from my experience, it is much easier to sustain as a committed Christian. When you have submitted your will and authority to the one who made you and died to save you, you find more wisdom available, supernatural power to overcome your weaknesses and desires, and—if you're in a decent church—a brotherhood willing to stand with you and help you through the challenges.

What are the steps to transforming as Théoden did?

The simple answer is twofold:

1. Reject lies.

2. Be proactive.

Simple, but not easy.

Exposing Wormtongue

Yes, lies are everywhere. Grima is whispering into every man’s ear. If Gandalf isn’t challenging you, you need to do the work yourself.

Technology has made truth more available than ever, while simultaneously giving manipulators the most powerful tools in history. To reject lies, you must first discover them. Here are 5 tips to work your way toward the truth.

1. Don’t let Wormtongue into your house. Listen to more than one voice, from multiple perspectives. Question everything you’re told. Test even your own assumptions and be open to new, confirmed information. Beware the subtlest lies that sneak in through entertainment. Entertain originally meant “to keep (someone) in a certain frame of mind”. What frame of mind is your entertainment encouraging?

2. Find original sources. If your “advisors” only give you a soundbite, go find the entire video. (You’ll likely find multiple angles these days.) Read the speech, law, historic document, or Scripture verse yourself. Understand it before you let others dictate what it means.

3. Keep the advisors that best align with the truth. If they’re obviously lying to you, kick them out like Wormtongue and warn your friends. Don’t give liars any influence over you. Liars can’t be trusted, even when they say something true. Even with the voices you keep, don’t swallow their conclusions without scrutiny and thought. Don’t let them create your opinion or reality.

4. Be humble enough to admit being wrong. If you discover you’ve been believing lies by being passive, you must admit you were wrong. That might even have to be public. Confess bravely, then diligently replace lies with the truth. If you expel all the lies without replacing them, more lies will take their place.

5. Trust your gut. You’ll hear information that doesn’t sound quite right, especially when it comes to raising your kids. You don’t need to be an expert to know what’s best for them. If you’ve learned to root out lies and find truth, trust your gut when something seems off. Follow the truth you do know and act according to time-tested values. Living according to reality leaves certain clues.

This takes work. The longer you’ve been listening to lies, the longer it will take to dismantle the enemy’s work. This may be harder than the next step. If possible, find a Gandalf—a wise man who can lovingly smack you when you’re listening to Grima, and teach you truth.

Expelling Weakness

Finding truth is an active pursuit, but it is a battle for your mind. Like Théoden, you must also reclaim your sword and authority. Learning to be proactive is a skill. It’s essential in your body, your work, and your relationships. Take small, regular steps in these areas to build proactive habits.

1. Mental/Emotional: Hopefully, finding truth will help you regulate those feelings better. Guarding your mind is important, but it also needs some training. Learn to think critically by reading thoughtful books from history. Be quiet sometimes and let yourself think deeply. Start journaling for even more clarity. If you’re a Christian, it goes beyond training. We’re expected to transform our minds through the power of God’s Word and Spirit (the Bible and prayer). Habitually turning to those sources will greatly improve your thinking and emotional stability. Ask me how I know.

2. Physical: Improve your nutrition—cut out junk and add real food. Get back your strength by moving more—even if you start with regular walks. Learn how to defend your family and yourself. Handle grooming and style in a way that makes you feel respectable. You’ll be surprised at how small changes can make a difference with consistent action. Challenge your body and it will get stronger.

3. Relational: Make time for people. Be proactive about building relationships. Plan activities together. When you’re together, be there. Ignore the phones, work responsibilities, and other worries. Pursue meaningful conversations by learning how to ask good questions and then shutting your trap. Surprise people with gifts or thoughtful gestures. Pursue the hearts of your wife and children. Learn to see when they need you and be there. Support friends. Pray for all of them. You’ll never regret the memories you make with friends and family when you get involved.

4. Work: Keep it in its proper place. Do your job with excellence. Don’t let it dominate your entire life or sacrifice your family. There’s always another job available somewhere. If you have ambition, pursue real improvement. If you’re happy where you are, you don’t have to move up.

5. Finances: Spend less than you make. Save for emergencies. Take responsibility. Set goals and pursue them.

Yeah, it’s all work. But it’s a good life. A noble life. Confidence and competence grow with action.

Like Théoden, you will face trouble and grief. Liars will try to deceive you. You may give in to temptation sometimes. Maybe you’ll be defeated for a season.

But you can also come back and be like Théoden Ednew. You can restore your strength, your relationships, and your reputation.

Retreat into more weakness or accept the noble calling—the choice is yours.

What kind of Dad will you be?

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Articles in this Series:

Be Aragorn. Be Gandalf.

Dad Lessons From the Ranger

Bad Steward, Bad Father

Bumbling Dads and Old King Théoden

Going Gray: Gandalf’s Wisdom for Dads

In addition to Imago Dad, Brandon Wilborn writes fantasy with spiritual themes. His current project is a series for young readers about a dog with an imagination that highlights the classic virtues of our Judeo-Christian heritage. To learn more about Brandon’s fiction, visit BrandonWilborn.com